


Would That I

by Heavydirtys0ul, things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Series: Wasteland, Baby! [18]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-09-30 13:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20448191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/Heavydirtys0ul, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: "I fell in love with the fire long ago,"





	Would That I

_"Though I've handled the wood,_

_I still worship the flame,_

_Long as amber of ember glow,"_

_-Would that I, Hozier_

* * *

If he were to go back in time, Emile might have been able to pinpoint the exact moment he realised he had something of a crush on Remy, on his smile or his recklessness, or the way he grinned like there's nothing in the world that could stop him from doing something remarkably idiotic, four seconds before doing just that. He was one of those people who didn't seem to care about anything or anyone and once his mind was set to something it would take death or an army to stop him, and Emile admired that even though he was always the one patching him up. The more he worried about Remy, the more he fell in love with him. 

The doctor loves to feel needed and wanted and like he has a job to do, something that most people of his species don't relate too, they enjoy floating through life and living as Remy does; in the moment. Emile likes to have a purpose or goal, a place he needs or person he wants to be. In this respect he and Remy are opposites, the younger is destructive by nature, careless and impulsive and that's the way he likes to be. Emile tends to balance out some of Remy's habits, since he'd practically moved in with him he'd at least managed to cool down with the setting things on fire situation. In return, Remy brings out a spark of recklessness that Emile doesn't usually have. 

It's interesting to watch opposites attract; Remy, a fire that's always burning, never tiring and always knowing what he wants and when he wants it, he lives in a series of events that may or may not reach a conclusion. In the moment, and never out of it. Then, Emile, soft-hearted to a fault and dodging trouble no matter how hard it tries to find him, he has plans and knowledge that is always growing, that he is always feeding into. He's a cool summer breeze and Remy is a wildfire that never quite manages to get put out. Anyone who knows them would say nevertheless, they were made for each other. 

But sometimes Emile thinks it's _hard_ to love Remy, some days he just can't do it. Before they entered into romantic relationship it was easier to tell him this, but today when Remy stumbles in looking like Hell itself had crawled between his veins, Emile bites his tongue and saves the tears for later. Just when he thinks he's gotten somewhere with Remy's habits, he's knocked back again. "You can't keep doing this," 

"I know," 

The same conversation they've been having for years but today Emile's hands are shaking and he's trying so _**fucking** hard_ not to lose his temper. Even Remy can see the sheer amount of anger and sadness behind his eyes as he fixes Remy up again, (_again_ and _again_) it's like it's become his job to break his own heart over and over, like a broken record or the turn of seasons; always permanent. He heals Remy and then runs a hand through his hair like somewhere he'd surpassed stress and was walking straight into a fire pit of fury. But he can't let Remy see that, he can't make him stop and he can't begin to understand what he must be going through for him to keep doing this to himself. 

So he smiles at him tightly, walks passed him out of his own door and tells him he'll be back later. Stumbling through the forest with tears in his eyes and a harrowed scream on his lips as he tries to think, tries to understand. One of these days he's going to lose Remy for this, he's a doctor not a miracle worker and one day his magic is just not going to be enough. Crumbling, he falls to his knees as the leaves turn brown and he stares at the ground in hopes the flowers themselves could offer him an answer. None came. Not from the flowers anyway. 

He must've been there for five minutes, or two hours, he can't really tell. He stares at the dirt on his hands, on his skirt, that stains his legs, he watches the grass and the crisp brown leaves and wished he could be as at peace as the nature he so adores. Emile can feel his own anger like a poison, his melancholy like a rushing river that's coursing with his blood. He's tired, he's tired of seeing Remy in pain, he's tired of fixing him up, he's tired of being the person that has to watch this so often; all the pain, all the sadness, it all falls to him to fix every day. He's _exhausted_. 

"Emile?" He looks up at the call of his name, seeing the twitch of familiar pointed ears and honey golden eyes, a crown of leaves nestled amongst auburn hair. "What's troubling you?" The prince kneels in front of him with a cautious expression, squeezing his companion's arm gently. Emile sighs a little as he sinks into the touch "You appear tired my friend, and cold," Dee rests his jacket around Emile's shivering arms; he hadn't even realised he was cold. 

"I'm just so tired," He whispers, curls sticking to his face with his tears as he wipes his eyes shakily "I'm so tired of him walking in and expecting me to fix him, I love him but...he keeps hurting himself, he can't stop it and I'm always the one who has to fix him and one day he'll think I can and I just won't be able too," Damian listens with interest, nodding as he lets the young Witch ramble "And everyday people come to me, sometimes children who have been so damaged I can see their bones and people just expect me to fix it because it's my job, but it hurts, I go to bed thinking about burned skin and I have nightmares where I can't save them and...and..." He chokes on his tears. 

"It's okay, my dear, breathe," His tone has a commanding edge that has Emile collapsing agents his chest, trying to inhale and exhale as best as he can "You've chosen a difficult path, but one that was needed, you know you would not be satisfied with anything else," Emile nods as he leans up, wiping his eyes "As for Remy, you cannot fix him, no-one can, but I think I may be able to help," Emile sits up a little straighter "Not me personally, but even Faeries need councillors, especially our race," He chuckles a little "We may have someone he can talk to, but he would have to spend a little while here, I give you my word he'll be safe but I can't of course, promise results that are desired,"

"But...there's a chance he can get help?" Emile sniffles, eyes wide as he kneels up, clearly interested. Damian nods. The Witch gasps out and flings his arms around the prince, who stiffens a little in response, unsure how to deal with this sort of affection, before he relaxes and wraps his arms around the Witch, burying his face in his shoulder. They stay like this for a while, kneeling in the grass amongst the leaves before they pull away "At what price?" He finally whispers "There's always a price,"

"Do you think Roman charges Virgil a price for any favour he grants?" Damian replies gently, Emile shakes his head "Then that is the price, friendship, that is all I ask for in payment," He sighs "I am a prince and I have all that I want, I have my job and my subjects, but I have always envied Roman and I don't think it was until I met Remy that I realised why, wherever Roman goes people just...care about him, he has friends and a family of sorts, that is the only thing he has that I do not have and for that he is the richer man," Emile sighs a little, understanding as he nods. 

"I suppose," He mutters, "I thought Autumn Fae love being alone?" Dee snorts in response, leaning back to sit against his heels, his wings flutter a little as he shakes his head. 

"Not precisely, it's more of a case of we're bad company for each other; we're notoriously short-tempered and introverted, a group of people like that all packed together the way the Spring Fae do would be catastrophic, we'd never get any work done, and we love our work," Damian helps Emile to his feet "You must talk to Remy about it, I understand it may be difficult for him but he will not be alone I will be there for as much as I can be," The Witch nods as he takes the Faery's hand and pulls him into another hug, he knows the other man doesn't understand why this is such a big deal or why Emile has started crying again. But he does know that the younger is thankful as he cries and holds onto the prince with all the energy he has, pulling back to wipe his tears and press a soft kiss to his scarred cheek. 

"Thank you," He inhales sharply as he sniffles "Thank you," 

"It's not a problem, my dear," 

\--

"No," Remy growls in response, a fiery look in his eyes the moment Emile has got his words out "Not a chance I'm having a Faery poking around in my brain," Emile sighs as though he has much disappointment left in him as his mouth opens and closes. "Don't look at me like that, you know this spells bad news," He stares at his partner as Emile falls silent, wings tucked against his back and arms folded as he choses his words carefully, as best as he can with all these feelings inside of him. 

"Remy I..." He swallows "It's your brain, and your problem, but I've told you so many times that one day my magic will not be enough, and then I..." He clears his throat, trying to stop himself from crying; he needs to keep it together, he needs to make sure Remy is making the decision for himself. "One day I won't be able to heal you and the damage you've done will be irreparable, we've tried everything to try and get you better but...this is going to be the last shot, if you don't try then we're both going to have to accept the inevitable and not as just some far away and distant plan, it could be the next time or the time after for all either of us know," Remy blinks a little, his lips part to talk but no sound comes out as the reality of Emile's words dawn on him. 

_He could die_. 

Remy leans against the wall with an absent, glassy look as he swallows dryly. He had somehow always expected Emile could save him even when he's said so many times the day will come when he can't. He'd always just..._thought_ that he was some sort of ethereal creature who could heal anything, anyone. But he can't. Emile is wonderful, beautiful and so many things that could be compared to divinity, but he is as much as a miracle worker as any of them and Remy is only just computing that he'd been putting this pressure repeatedly on Emile, making him live the fear that one day Remy will die and because of _himself_. 

The younger Witch blinks back to the present, his ears dropping slightly as if he is frightened, but Remy is never frightened, no, surely not. Never frightened, never scared, always charging headfirst into danger like it is a shadow that follows him constantly; except Emile know by now it's not that Remy is never afraid it's that he knows how to ignore his own fear for the sake of a thrill that he adores to chase. Remy fell in love with danger, with fire and passion and fury, he brought it into his life and kept it there to simmer in his own veins as a lifelong companion one knows they should let go, but doesn't for the sake of fearful comfort of repetition. Then, Emile fell in love with Remy and his fire, and when you love a man made of burning embers you accept you are going to get burned. 

He doesn't **_want_** to accept that anymore.

He wants Remy to heal and get better and let go of the hundred things that are making a mess of his soul. He wants to go to bed without tears in his eyes, to be away from him without panicking that he's going to hurt himself. He wants Remy to live a life that isn't possessed by _fury_ and everything it entails. And, Emile knows, deep down somewhere buried in his own refusal to admit it, Remy wants those things too. 

Emile can see it in his eyes as his mouth opens and closes that he's long since accepted that one day he's going to get himself killed, and yet now that he has something other than a shell of a relationship it's suddenly harder to accept that. HIs brother had been wonderful, don't get him wrong, but Virgil hadn't known how to love for so much of his life and in the process had taught Remy that love was something that never came free; then he'd met Roman, and Remy had been left alone with a conflict he can't resolve. A conflict that Emile is trying to help him with and he simply keeps resisting. "Can you please just _try?_" Emile whispers, a desperate sound on the tip of his tongue, he doesn't want to force his partner to do anything that he doesn't want to do. But if something isn't done then he's going to have to bury a lover. "It might be easier than last time," 

"Okay," Remy whispers, throat closing and tears in his eyes as he's hit with the thought of Emile having to fix something that cannot be fixed. "Okay, yes,"

\--

Remy even gets a mini farewell party. Virgil, Emile, Patton, Logan and Roman all walk with him to meet Dee. "Congratulations on somehow being the first out of all of us to see a Faery realm," Virgil chuckles, hugging his brother "Try to behave," Remy laughs but it sounds more frightened than it should've. Virgil knows this, but says nothing. 

Emile gives him a small kiss as Roman, Logan and Patton linger by a tree, waiting respectfully for the two to say their goodbyes, they're all unsure how long the man is going to be gone for and that alone instills some sense of unsettled fear in them. Virgil had quietly asked Roman if Dee is trustworthy, swallowing his pride to genuinely show how terrified he is for his brother, who is about to have his brain picked apart by a Faery who with a name could have Remy doing their bidding for eternity. Roman had replied "He's as trustworthy as I am," Which to his credit means very little; Roman is by all standards a good person, but still a tricksy little bastard when he wants to be. 

The feline Witch himself looks a little paler than usual. Very few people go to a Faery realm and come back the same way they went in, some missing entire years of their lives with no recollection where they went or why. But he's managed to trust Damian with his body he might as well as trust him with his soul whilst he's at it. The Autumn prince had made a promise to Emile to bring him back safely and in one piece, although he had reiterated he can't promise a guaranteed result. Remy takes his hand and they walk away, before they disappear, Remy looks over his shoulder and meets Emile's eyes with a look so vulnerable, so terrified, that the Witch almost runs after him. But Virgil grabs his hand and tells him he will be okay. 

They all trail back to the coven in silence, not one of them brave enough to break the tense atmosphere, not even Roman. When they get back Virgil pulls Emile to the side "Emile," He starts simply, garnering the attention from the other man "I owe you an apology, you trusted me with something that was difficult to talk about and I couldn't get out of my own head long enough to give you comfort, I reacted badly and I'm sincerely sorry," Emile nods, waving a hand a little to show he understood but his expression is blank, even a little irritated. "Are you okay?" 

"Not really," He muttered "I just sent my partner into a Fae realm with no idea if or when he'll come back," He rubs his eyes with an exhausted expression "I appreciate the apology and I'm not going to tell you it's okay because it's not and you know me better than that, I know you better than that, but in future try to have a little bit of compassion," There's a little bite to his tongue that the elder Witch hadn't expected, but it is something that he respects. 

"I understand,"

There's an unspoken look between them, for a moment when Emile looks at Virgil, the elder sees a look he is unfamiliar with and it is not one he likes. It's vacant and empty except for the tiniest flicker of blame that is being bestowed on the receiver. And really Virgil can't say it isn't the truth, it is his fault that Remy is the way he is because instead of teaching a child the best of life he'd let his own stubborn heartbreak get the better of him. Roman would say that Virgil himself was a child at the time and it wasn't his fault, but when Virgil looks at Remy and all the damage he causes to himself and those who love him, the elder Witch cannot help but blame himself. 

Remy had loved nothing for so long, nothing except pain. It's all he'd known. Not even his brother got the gift of being told he was loved by him; now, Remy's idea of love is so skewed and so broken that all he can associate with it is pain. Until, of course, Emile. A man who gives love that is lighter than the air itself, it stood to reason that Remy would finally change for someone, and Virgil is glad that it is Emile. 

Even if things don't work out and Remy can't be helped, then at least someone had managed to love him without breaking him in the process. 


End file.
